19.01.2016

We returned again to see the doctor of yesterday to see what the options are.
He suggested conventional chemotherapy or Di Bella method, which involves chemo anyway at a lower dose. He suggested that they both be accompanied with homepathy and nutrition from his side. When I talked about the raw food diet for some reason he heard vegan diet and I realized he knew nothing of what I was suggesting. So after another 3 hours with him today no conclusion ws reached about what therapy, if any, was to be chosen.
At this point a heated debate began as he could not hear what I was saying regarding not being able to make a decision. I explained that the decision to live was present but not the decision to follow any therapy so far offered. The reply was that if I did not choose a therapy in the next 3 days then it will be too late to start one.
I tried to explain that if a choice arose here it would not be from fear as there is none and it would have to come from the emptiness or it would not. Again he did not hear what was said and decided that I was in a very dangerous mental state and in denial of what was happening in my life. I told him that it had been this way since I was 23 years old and the idea that someone could produce a decision or choice had been seen through this was met with the retort that I must be enightened then but he did not think so.
At this point I saw it was useless to continue.
We left on good terms after I agreed to sign a paper that left him out of the picture if I should die as having tried his best to get me to take therapy. Here I saw his fear, his limitation.
What is very clear from this meeting is that even a doctor that works with alternative medicine is not open. The wish to live is here but the wish to do the therapies suggested so far is not, so there is just the witnessing of that fact and watching to see if anything appears as a decision.
I went with Shikha on the return journey to the bio shop to look at the products there while she was shopping for the organic vegetables. We also bought some trays to grow wheat grass on.