Having read what you have to say about your childhood I can say that it is very similar to my own past experience as a child. I too had to watch my mother do things, mainly to myself, that were beyond the normal chastisement towards a child.
From my own experience and also from what I have seen of others experiences in such matters I do not for one second believe that the answer is to delve into the past and recall the memories as if the answers lay in that direction. I do not encourage anyone to uncover memories that were anyway based upon the idea that they were belonging to someone or that they happened to someone.
As long as we remain entertaining the idea that working through memories is the way forward we will be continually going backward and the mind will eventually create new false memories of what took place, it is the play of analysis.
The answer is as I have stated from the first time that we met. The energy that arises prior to the appearance of the memory is what is important and this is the ONLY way to go ahead with the removal of the effects of such past experiences.
One does not have memories ALL the time but if when they arise one jumps into play with them then they are lengthened and reinforced and their continuation is guaranteed so the answer is to simply remain at the level of the sensation prior to the mental stories arising from the sensation.
I say simply but of course initially it is not simple and so it requires a trust that this is the way to go. This trust gives way to a kind of knowing which at a later date gives rise to a higher understanding of how things have moved in the correct direction as the mental stories have dropped away and the sensations also have greatly lessened.
What we put our attention on is fed by our attention. Our attention is the first activity that arises from the No-Thingness of Being and it therefore creates what it intends to find in what it is seeking into. This means that any story we put our attention on brings more of that story into play and not less of it.
I have met many people who have been in psychiatric “care”, and also know many who have turned to psychologists for help, which is a step in a better direction as far as I am concerned, but have never seen a result that could be said to have brought them to a place of natural balance. There were always residues remaining after analysis and in the case of medication and psychiatry all the problems later resurfaced.
The first thing that is required is that one realizes that no one can undo the knot of confusion for you and also that you yourself cannot do it by any method. Staying with the sensation prior to it appearing as a mental story, that then reinforces the story endlessly, is the only way through the maze of mindstuff. This implies doing absolutely NOTHING, allowing things to be as they are and noting what is arising without being drawn into the many patterns of avoidance which the mind has created to get away from the sensations.
These sensations are the doorway THROUGH and beyond the jungle of the mental AND the feelings.
These things belong to a mind that has become very confused due to bad programming from people who themselves were badly programmed by people who themselves were etc etc etc
When I found out what my mothers childhood was like, many years after the effect she had had on me had subsided, I felt only sadness towards her for what she had been through. She felt this and acknowledged that in her new connection with me, I had not seen her for twenty six years. Our new relationship was fresh and open and left us free in one another’s company to be ourselves.
So as always I will repeat STAY WITH THE FEELING!
The going into of the story serves absolutely no purpose in removing the problem, which is the stories themselves. Remaining at the level of the feelings with intention to get them to go in a particular direction is of no use either, as this intention will be coming from the problematic mind play anyway.
Reread this if necessary over and over until you see clearly what is being stated here.
This is NOT new information about how to solve a problem of the mind but information that has one simple message in it.
Problems cannot be solved, they disappear when they DIS-solve, nothing of them then remains.
The mind has developed many strategies to avoid touching the sensations that arise prior to the mental stories and so these patterns of avoidance will be present but if the attention remains on the natural unfolding of the sensations and not moved by the sensations patterns then they will drop away.
When this takes place there will be nothing, no mental activity and no feeling activity and in that there is freedom, freedom from the original problem, the idea that one is a person.
You and I and all other beings are not what we believe ourselves to be, we are this that remains when all that can be classified as personal has dropped away.
We are No-thing, Emptiness, impersonal and free.
This is the way home, there is no other door.
May you recognize what is written here and pass through this hinge-less door to the place that you have never actually left.
With much Love